HorrorScopes May 23-29

Weekly HorrorScopes May 23-29
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). No, you can't ease your financial woes by selling your half-eaten sandwich on E-bay.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will watch Watermelon Nights about 35 times before you start weeping because you aren't a cute, happy, singing watermelon...you're just shaped like one.

Today's Birthday (May 23): You share the same birthday as Drew Carey. Good, now there is at least one thing interesting about you.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You will step in poo this week and kinda like it. It will become a new livelong fixation that will get you a prime spot on a Jerry Springer ripoff show.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Nice gas guzzling vehicle you drive there, Al Gore. You know what they say about large carbon footprints...small carbon-based manhoods.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Your unusual sexual desires are not normal and you should seek help.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Your pack rat tendencies are becoming a nuisance to your friends and family. What the heck are you going to do with 75 Chinese food containers with no lids and four metric tons of twist ties?

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). That burger you ate last week was made out of people. If it's any consolation, they weren't really nice people. Well, except for one of them. She was really sweet and always recycled.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Every time you Google yourself, a baby kitten dies.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Your body isn't full of "love bumps". Those are just rolls of hideous fat. And possibly tumors.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Money matters might have you under stress this month. You can always just sell a kidney, or maybe one of your children. Or some of your childrens' kidneys!

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Since spring is in the air, now is a good time to refresh your wardrobe, and that even includes your undergarments. At the moment, your underwear has more tracks than your local railroad.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). It's time for a career change! Before you send out your generic resume to a zillion companies, try to make sure you take down that photo of you pretending to felicitate the Ronald McDonald statue that comes up on Google image searches.


Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

HorrorScopes April 18-April 24

Weekly HorrorScopes April 11-April 17
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Today's Birthday (April 17). Not only do you share Daffy Duck's Birthday, but you share his
manic, explosive personality and his slight speech impediment.

Aries (March 21-April 19). Your all-or-nothing attitude will get you in trouble when your stomach explodes at an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet. You shouldn't have had that extra shrimp-filled cream puff.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will always be the one that ends up stuck with the check at the end of the meal because people didn't account for tax and tip. Your friends suck, and you are a sucker. You'd be better of sitting in your apartment eating Ramen Noodle alone. In the dark. Straight from the pot. With a spork.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Try to restrain yourself when you get into an argument later this week. You really have better things to do than try to find some place to destroy dental records and stash a body.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Spring is in the air, which means its time for romance and of course, seasonal allergies. Before you decide to play tonsil hockey with your current cutie, take an allergy pill so you don't end up sneezing your pollen-filled booger-cocktail right in their face. Unless of course, they like that sort of thing as a part of foreplay.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You might be in the mood for a little excitement today, but you should really move past your adolescent days of cow tipping and leaving flaming bags of dung on your neighbor's doorstep. Perhaps you can do something fun, but more adult, like...trying a new flavor of frozen yogurt or getting a bad-assed bumper sticker that says, "My Other Car is a Broomstick" or something. Now THAT'S living on the edge.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Your level of procrastination will be at an all-time high when your mountain of paperwork falls over and nearly suffocates you this week. Even though you will narrowly escape death this time, you'll still die sometime next week when the paper cut you receive becomes infected and poisons your blood.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Try to focus on your family this week and remember whose birthday are you forgetting. Also, try to buy them a creative gift from the heart, since they'll lose whatever generic gift card you buy them and blame you for being impersonal later.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You have a tendency to be overcritical and you're not afraid to show it. Not as many people have as thick of skin (or as thick of a head) as you, so lay off and people will stop keying your car.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You might think no one likes you, but it’s just that you’ve been partying so hard lately that your tolerance for ruffies is way above normal. If you really want to feel “wanted”, try to ask for a higher dosage so the college kids can relieve some stress with your passed out body.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You will be extremely famous. Even after your death, you will be on permanent display at the Philadelphia Mutter Museum as the record holder for the most amount of venereal diseases contracted at one time. Also, someone will tattoo a picture of a penis on your face in your sleep.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Someone you work with will try to set you up with their frumpy, overly religious, piano-recital loving, home-schooled, socially inept, Republican cousin. It's the best you can do, so go for it!

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Try not to be so darned chipper on Monday mornings. You overly positive attitude will make people around you feel nauseous, until you start to feel violently nauseous in the coming weeks. It's not bad sushi - it's the voodoo doll an embittered coworker created of you.



Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: The secretary is never a permanent fixture until she is screwed on a desk.


Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.