HorrorScopes May 2-8

Weekly HorrorScopes May 2-8
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Today's Birthday (May 2). You will be desperately craving attention all week, so you’ll post numerous MySpace bulletins threatening to commit suicide due to your lousy, lonely birthday. For once, friends will actually respond to your pleas and offer you helpful tips on how to do the job right.

Aries (March 21-April 19). You should delete all the songs on your hard drive that remind you of the dysfunctional relations you had with your ex. Not only do you need to let go, but all those songs were illegal downloaded and some guys from recording industry are hot on your trail.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Try not to shoot the messenger this week when you receive some bad news. It’s really not the pizza guy’s fault that the shop won’t honor your ripped, coffee-stained, expired 5% off coupon. Man, you are a cheapskate.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Jealousy will get the best of you when you realize that all of your friends make more money than you, but are far more stupid. Rather than getting mad, you should just anonymously call their bosses to alert them of their office mischief, and then go ahead and apply for their jobs.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Your crotch reeks of dog saliva and peanut butter today. Any reason for that?

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You can learn a lot if you listen to people that are older and wiser than you. For instance, too many prunes can seriously give you diaper rash, Viagra has a higher market value than most hookers, and if you pretend you pass out, the nurse at the Assisted Living Center will usually stop beating you.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You will roam the world searching for your one true love, but you’ll just end up kissing a lot of toads that give you genital warts.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Your parents found your stash and they’re keeping it all for themselves.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Scorpio female: You will receive an interesting surprise this week when you find a picture of your ex-boyfriend in the arms of another man that you also used to date. You sure know how to convert the masses - at that rate, you should practice religion! Scorpio male: You should evaluate your proposals this week, namely the ones involving a diamond ring. Make sure it’s the right size; that means at least three carets with a solid platinum band. That's what you get for dating a high-maintenance girlfriend. She’s not really a blond, you know.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Your employer will switch your seating arrangements so you’re stuck next to the guy that hums the “Sesame Street Theme Song” incessantly. Oh, well, at least you don’t need to sit next to that person that smells like Parmesan cheese anymore. Oh, wait...That’s you.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Don’t be afraid or too shy to show others how valuable you are. You can charge your clients at least $5 more for your famous “Happy Ending Specials”.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). You will feel like running away on a vacation, but your finances won’t allow such an indiscretion. Maybe, if you sit really close to the TV during LOST, you can pretend that you are on a lovely island surrounded by a big fat guy wearing Hawaiian trunks and bitchy doctors, just like a real vacation.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). You will experience difficulties with people you have to work with, but what do you expect at the graveyard shift at Denny’s?


Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Negotiations with a significant others usually lead to new and interesting developments that usually include unwanted pregnancies.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

HorrorScopes April 18-April 24

Weekly HorrorScopes April 11-April 17
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Today's Birthday (April 17). Not only do you share Daffy Duck's Birthday, but you share his
manic, explosive personality and his slight speech impediment.

Aries (March 21-April 19). Your all-or-nothing attitude will get you in trouble when your stomach explodes at an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet. You shouldn't have had that extra shrimp-filled cream puff.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will always be the one that ends up stuck with the check at the end of the meal because people didn't account for tax and tip. Your friends suck, and you are a sucker. You'd be better of sitting in your apartment eating Ramen Noodle alone. In the dark. Straight from the pot. With a spork.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Try to restrain yourself when you get into an argument later this week. You really have better things to do than try to find some place to destroy dental records and stash a body.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Spring is in the air, which means its time for romance and of course, seasonal allergies. Before you decide to play tonsil hockey with your current cutie, take an allergy pill so you don't end up sneezing your pollen-filled booger-cocktail right in their face. Unless of course, they like that sort of thing as a part of foreplay.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You might be in the mood for a little excitement today, but you should really move past your adolescent days of cow tipping and leaving flaming bags of dung on your neighbor's doorstep. Perhaps you can do something fun, but more adult, like...trying a new flavor of frozen yogurt or getting a bad-assed bumper sticker that says, "My Other Car is a Broomstick" or something. Now THAT'S living on the edge.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Your level of procrastination will be at an all-time high when your mountain of paperwork falls over and nearly suffocates you this week. Even though you will narrowly escape death this time, you'll still die sometime next week when the paper cut you receive becomes infected and poisons your blood.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Try to focus on your family this week and remember whose birthday are you forgetting. Also, try to buy them a creative gift from the heart, since they'll lose whatever generic gift card you buy them and blame you for being impersonal later.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You have a tendency to be overcritical and you're not afraid to show it. Not as many people have as thick of skin (or as thick of a head) as you, so lay off and people will stop keying your car.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You might think no one likes you, but it’s just that you’ve been partying so hard lately that your tolerance for ruffies is way above normal. If you really want to feel “wanted”, try to ask for a higher dosage so the college kids can relieve some stress with your passed out body.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You will be extremely famous. Even after your death, you will be on permanent display at the Philadelphia Mutter Museum as the record holder for the most amount of venereal diseases contracted at one time. Also, someone will tattoo a picture of a penis on your face in your sleep.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Someone you work with will try to set you up with their frumpy, overly religious, piano-recital loving, home-schooled, socially inept, Republican cousin. It's the best you can do, so go for it!

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Try not to be so darned chipper on Monday mornings. You overly positive attitude will make people around you feel nauseous, until you start to feel violently nauseous in the coming weeks. It's not bad sushi - it's the voodoo doll an embittered coworker created of you.



Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: The secretary is never a permanent fixture until she is screwed on a desk.


Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

HorrorScopes April 4-10

Weekly HorrorScopes April 4-April 10

By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). A very attractive person will hit on you this week, but beware, they have more miles on them than your dad's old car.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will spend your entire weekend ripping up grass from your flower bed, only to replace it with different grass that is supposedly "ornamental". Some people call that gardening. but really, that's just insane.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You will notice a strange lump on your side. That's your significant other.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Your energy level will be high this week, but try to avoid starting projects that you can't finish, since you will go back to being your same, lazy self in a few days.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Your attention will be in million places this week. except for the road. The police, however, will have seen the whole thing.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You will be challenged with intense and complex issues, mainly concerning the debate over whether to buy chunky or smooth peanut butter. You know, if you had a better job, you could afford to buy both.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Avoid being pulled into an intense disagreement that is fueled by fear of the unknown. In other worlds, avoid speaking to Republicans in general.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You will soon have the opportunity to be earning a little more money, however, prostitution is still illegal in most states, especially if you are prostituting your own family members against their will.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Don't look a gift horse in the mouth this week. They actually have huge teeth that could chew your entire face off.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Your dreams will have a great significance this week, since you will one and for all realize that you can never achieve them.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Make sure you pamper yourself this week, since you're going to have a slight accident in public. And if Pampers are too small for your fat butt, I'm sure Depends works as well.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). The combination of certain planetary forces may affect us in mysterious ways. In your case, they give you bad gas.

Today's Birthday (April 4) On this day in history, Martin Luther King, Jr. died. He had a dream that changed lives, whereas, you have dreams that stain your pajama pants.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: She who finds happiness found a man who has no spine.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

HorrorScope January 18-24

Weekly HorrorScope January 11 - January 17
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Always remember to always think before you act . If you've seen any film with Hayden Christensen, you would see an example of an Aries that NEVER thinks before he acts.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Don't waste your money on that nose job, it will just call more attention to your beak. People will just say, “Hey, So-and-So got a nose job!” rather than “Wow, doesn’t So-and-So have a fine looking shnozz? I think it’s time to give them a raise.”

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Unless you have already seen Cloverfield, we suggest you get the heck off the internet and go see it before some vindictive a-holes post spoilers everywhere. You know, we didn't even have to be psychic about the end of Harry Potter - some jerk wrote it on the freaking bathroom stall door. Don't worry, shortly thereafter, he got hit by a bus (the guy that wrote on the bathroom door, not Harry Potter. Harry Potter gets eaten alive by a mongoose.)

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Your complete lack of ethics would make you a great business person and an extraordinarily corrupt politician. I mean, look at what it did to your fellow Cancer buddy, George W. Bush?

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You've always been a little bit psychic, which is why you are convinced that the CIA is tapping your phone calls. Really, your life is not that interesting, so that "funny feeling of being watched" is just your ISP logging your illegal downloads.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You've always held the attitude that if you want something done right, do it yourself. But since your toilet is still is leaking into your neighbor's living room and the computer you repaired still smells like burning plastic, why don't you scrap that idea and call a professional?

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). You are always very sympathetic to other peoples' problems and you care about the fate of the world a great deal. This makes you a complete sucker 80% more susceptible to online scammers.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Sept. 21). Beware of papercuts from manila folders. They bleed FOREVER!

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Your lack of disciple will hurt you when you miss a deadline because of your drinking binge the night before. Your boss won't get as mad at you if you actually change out of your smoke-filled, beer/mystery stained party outfit this time.

Today's Birthday (January 18): Happy Birthday & Happy Winnie the Pooh Day. Feel free to binge on cake and cookies to celebrate these momentous occasions, but don't be surprised if your ass gets stuck in a window or when your snout gets lodged in a jar full of "Hunny".

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Quit blaming your life's problems on your crappy childhood; your problems are caused by the simple fact that you're a complete moron.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). You are extremely practical, which also makes you really boring. At times, people avoid you so they can escape your endless, pointless, dry conversations. Come on Aquarius - no one really wants to see those pictures from your damn kid's birthday party.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Pisces women might think they know what's best for people, but their know-it-all attitude comes off as more bitchy than helpful. You only have the right to criticize people that came screaming out your nether regions, so that includes your children, your husband, and that one-night stand that you probably don't remember. Pisces men should go get that lump examined.



Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. This makes you very attractive to the deaf, dumb & blind.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

HorrorScopes December 28-January 4

Weekly HorrorScopes December 28 - January 4
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). You will run into a close friend of yours...returning that crappy gift you gave them for Christmas. Don't look so offended; you know you totally recycled that gift from one of your dead relatives.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). If you've been enjoying a little solitude over the past week, you might want to brush the corn chips off your pants and revisit society today. People might think you're dead, and you don't want to get their hopes up.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Rather than make a list of New Year's Resolutions, perhaps you should save yourself time by making a list of good traits you posses. That'll save yah some writing, big time!

Cancer (June 22-July 22). If you guzzle that cheap champagne at the New Year's party, you're gonna wake up with an unwanted headache. His name is Bob.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Conversations with people in authority can be very important this week. Keep in mind, you should never refer to a police officer as a "Pig." They prefer the term "Po-po."

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). I don’t care what your mom says, you would NOT look good dressed up as the “New Year’s Baby”.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Congratulations! One of your parents gave out your social security number and bank information when a ruthless phone solicitor called who was claiming to be a debt collector. Finally; this is the excuse you’ve been looking for to finally put them in an old-folks home, guilt-free!

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). This New Years, you will be forgotten and alone, even by your astrologer.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You will feel like having some ethnic food this week. Shortly thereafter, you will feel like having a colon cleansing.

Today's Birthday (Dec 28): You share the same birthday as Denzel Washington - you two actually have a lot in common, except for the fact that he’s smooth and sassy and you’re just fat and gassy.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You will be depressed when the love of your life does not kiss you on New Year's Eve. After all, it's almost physically impossible to kiss your own ass, so perhaps it would be easier if you just lick your own reflection in the mirror.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Instead of doing some much-needed work, you will be compelled to watch YouTube videos of fainting goats, Tesla coils, and dancing bananas. You know, if someone can sue McDonald’s for serving hot coffee, someone really should sue YouTube for time-burglaring.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). If you are seriously considering going out to Times Square in that mess of people and weather, then you deserve to have that wino "accidentally" piss on your leg.


Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day:A New Year's resolutions is something that goes in one Year and out the other.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.