HorrorScopes April 18-April 24

Weekly HorrorScopes April 11-April 17
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Today's Birthday (April 17). Not only do you share Daffy Duck's Birthday, but you share his
manic, explosive personality and his slight speech impediment.

Aries (March 21-April 19). Your all-or-nothing attitude will get you in trouble when your stomach explodes at an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet. You shouldn't have had that extra shrimp-filled cream puff.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will always be the one that ends up stuck with the check at the end of the meal because people didn't account for tax and tip. Your friends suck, and you are a sucker. You'd be better of sitting in your apartment eating Ramen Noodle alone. In the dark. Straight from the pot. With a spork.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Try to restrain yourself when you get into an argument later this week. You really have better things to do than try to find some place to destroy dental records and stash a body.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Spring is in the air, which means its time for romance and of course, seasonal allergies. Before you decide to play tonsil hockey with your current cutie, take an allergy pill so you don't end up sneezing your pollen-filled booger-cocktail right in their face. Unless of course, they like that sort of thing as a part of foreplay.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You might be in the mood for a little excitement today, but you should really move past your adolescent days of cow tipping and leaving flaming bags of dung on your neighbor's doorstep. Perhaps you can do something fun, but more adult, like...trying a new flavor of frozen yogurt or getting a bad-assed bumper sticker that says, "My Other Car is a Broomstick" or something. Now THAT'S living on the edge.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Your level of procrastination will be at an all-time high when your mountain of paperwork falls over and nearly suffocates you this week. Even though you will narrowly escape death this time, you'll still die sometime next week when the paper cut you receive becomes infected and poisons your blood.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Try to focus on your family this week and remember whose birthday are you forgetting. Also, try to buy them a creative gift from the heart, since they'll lose whatever generic gift card you buy them and blame you for being impersonal later.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You have a tendency to be overcritical and you're not afraid to show it. Not as many people have as thick of skin (or as thick of a head) as you, so lay off and people will stop keying your car.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You might think no one likes you, but it’s just that you’ve been partying so hard lately that your tolerance for ruffies is way above normal. If you really want to feel “wanted”, try to ask for a higher dosage so the college kids can relieve some stress with your passed out body.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You will be extremely famous. Even after your death, you will be on permanent display at the Philadelphia Mutter Museum as the record holder for the most amount of venereal diseases contracted at one time. Also, someone will tattoo a picture of a penis on your face in your sleep.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Someone you work with will try to set you up with their frumpy, overly religious, piano-recital loving, home-schooled, socially inept, Republican cousin. It's the best you can do, so go for it!

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Try not to be so darned chipper on Monday mornings. You overly positive attitude will make people around you feel nauseous, until you start to feel violently nauseous in the coming weeks. It's not bad sushi - it's the voodoo doll an embittered coworker created of you.



Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: The secretary is never a permanent fixture until she is screwed on a desk.


Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

HorrorScopes February 22-28

Weekly HorrorScopes February 22 - February 28
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). An over-ambitious impulse will leave you tired, sore, and broke. Rather than trying to save the entire world at once, perhaps you should start small...like rinsing out your freaking yogurt cups before you recycle them. The people down at the Plastics Remanufacturing Plant think you're gross.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Everyone you know will let you down because they just don't care about anything that isn't fed to them by the local cable networks. The sooner you realize that the world is full of a bunch of lazy slackers that only look to use you, the sooner you will escape...by hanging yourself.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). The reason the guy at the checkout line gives you the stink eye isn't because he's racist or jealous of your "cool hair". For almost two years, you've been on the Local Convience Store Union's blacklist for abusing the "Leave a Penny, Take a Penny" tray. Also, your hair is not cool. It's a little gay, actually.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Your energy could be a little low today, but instead of guzzling caffeine, perhaps you could use some healthy exercise. Hey, maybe you should piss off the local biker gang by calling them a bunch of goat-humpers...that will at least get you a jog.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You could use some more fiber in your diet. And perhaps a breath mint.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Whatever you decide to spawn will grow up to use you, resent you, and eventually destroy you. Better to throw yourself down a flight of stairs or stand infront of the microwave to save yourself a life time full of trouble.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Rather than buying peoples’ kids five cheap things from the Dollar Store, just buy them a freaking $5 giftcard to Toys-R-Us or something. Sure, you’ll still look like a cheap bastard, but at least the kids won’t get lead poisoning and/or choke to death on the cheaply-fabricated toys that were made by other five-year olds.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You will tear apart your entire house looking for your keys or cell phone only to find them deposited securely in your coat pocket - the place you first checked. You're not crazy...it's the gnomes that live in your house messing with you again.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). When you are dropping all your bombs in your workplace toilet, you should really conduct an occasional courtesey flush to spare the guests in the adjacent stall. Not everyone else in the world should have to smell yesterday's bacon grease breakfast mixed with a Mexican lunch, and the lard-stuffed-microwave-meat-pies you call "dinner".

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). In your lifetime, at least three people have woken up next to you and regretted the night before. At least you still got laid, if you can even call it that.

Today's Birthday (February 22nd): On this day, Samuel Byck tries and fails to assassinate U.S. President Richard Nixon...exactly like your parents tried to assassinate you nine months earlier. Are you aware that you have an immunity to RU-486.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): The only reason you’ve made it this far in the world is because of sheer luck, not talent. Better to play lotto in your case than ever try to do something that requires brains and actual abilities.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): A freak accident with a medical waste truck will leave you with the nickname "Sperm Dumpster".

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

HorrorScope February 1-7

Weekly HorrorScopes February 1 - February 7

By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). You might have just gotten paid, but don’t you dare head straight to the mall. If you can’t get someone to supervise your shopping and fashion choices, avoid spending this week. (Also, avoid sweatpants – they are not a fashion statement).

Taurus (April 20-May 20). If you think you smell the winds of change, it’s probably just the wind coming out of your partner’s backside.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Attached Geminis: You will learn something new about your partners today: their birthday. Yeah, you missed it, so good luck with that. Single Geminis: You can feel good that they won’t be any trouble for you this week, but then again, nothing much will happen either since your life is typically mundane and uneventful.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). If you keep text messaging that much, your thumbs are going to break, develop gangrene, and fall off your body like shriveled little prunes. At least then you’ll save a couple bucks on your cell phone bill! You'll probably have a hard time opening jars, though....

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). This weekend, you will have a hot three-way – you, a large pepperoni pizza, and TiVo. Sounds exciting, doesn’t it?

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). No more caffeine for you! You're starting to look a little..twitchy.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Yes, those sunglasses DO make you look like a movie star. Elton John.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Sept. 21). Congrats on the raise! You just got bumped up into a new annoying tax bracket! Rather than giving all your money to Uncle Sam, perhaps you should make a donation to a worthy cause. Just let the Pagan Penguin know your bank account number and she'll figure out something to do with it.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Try to widen your social circle this week. All your current friends are losers that just use you for free rides to the mall.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Writing reviews of movies, books, albums on your blogs might make you feel like an intelligent critic, but you're really just a lazy ass that would rather criticize other people than do anything with your life. Before you criticize the mise-en-scene in the last episode of Ugly Betty, actually sit down, write a script, borrow your dad's video camera, shoot the film using your sister as the lead role, edit it together, attempt to compose your own musical score by clanging the two pots you own together, and then see if your little piece of art compares with what you get to watch on the networks for free.

Today's Birthday (February 1st): You and Boris Nikolayevich Yeltsin share birthdays! You also share your crazy dance skills:


Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). When the moon is in the Seventh House and Jupiter aligns with Mars, then peace will guide the planets and love will steer the stars. This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius! The age of Aquarius! Aquariuuuuuuuuuus! Aquariuuuuuuuus! In addition, for some reason, you will have an annoying song stuck in your head all week.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). When someone announces that they just got engaged, it's usually not appropriate to say, "My sincerest condolences," even if they are making a huge, huge mistake. Likewise, when you hear about someone's unfortunate passing, it's not appropriate to ask, "Will there be an open bar after we stick 'em in the ground?"

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

HorrorScopes December 28-January 4

Weekly HorrorScopes December 28 - January 4
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). You will run into a close friend of yours...returning that crappy gift you gave them for Christmas. Don't look so offended; you know you totally recycled that gift from one of your dead relatives.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). If you've been enjoying a little solitude over the past week, you might want to brush the corn chips off your pants and revisit society today. People might think you're dead, and you don't want to get their hopes up.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Rather than make a list of New Year's Resolutions, perhaps you should save yourself time by making a list of good traits you posses. That'll save yah some writing, big time!

Cancer (June 22-July 22). If you guzzle that cheap champagne at the New Year's party, you're gonna wake up with an unwanted headache. His name is Bob.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Conversations with people in authority can be very important this week. Keep in mind, you should never refer to a police officer as a "Pig." They prefer the term "Po-po."

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). I don’t care what your mom says, you would NOT look good dressed up as the “New Year’s Baby”.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Congratulations! One of your parents gave out your social security number and bank information when a ruthless phone solicitor called who was claiming to be a debt collector. Finally; this is the excuse you’ve been looking for to finally put them in an old-folks home, guilt-free!

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). This New Years, you will be forgotten and alone, even by your astrologer.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You will feel like having some ethnic food this week. Shortly thereafter, you will feel like having a colon cleansing.

Today's Birthday (Dec 28): You share the same birthday as Denzel Washington - you two actually have a lot in common, except for the fact that he’s smooth and sassy and you’re just fat and gassy.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You will be depressed when the love of your life does not kiss you on New Year's Eve. After all, it's almost physically impossible to kiss your own ass, so perhaps it would be easier if you just lick your own reflection in the mirror.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Instead of doing some much-needed work, you will be compelled to watch YouTube videos of fainting goats, Tesla coils, and dancing bananas. You know, if someone can sue McDonald’s for serving hot coffee, someone really should sue YouTube for time-burglaring.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). If you are seriously considering going out to Times Square in that mess of people and weather, then you deserve to have that wino "accidentally" piss on your leg.


Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day:A New Year's resolutions is something that goes in one Year and out the other.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

Penny for Your Thoughts: Why Americans Are Fat Loads

Penny for Your Thoughts:

"Why Americans Are Fat Loads"

By Pagan "Penny" Penguin

08/14/07

I’m a full-figured penguin.

So, in an effort to keep my bird-ish figure, I walked to the grocery store the other day instead of driving. Al Gore might even say I was helping to “eliminate my carbon footprint”, but really, I was trying to eliminate the three pieces of cheesecake I had after dinner the other night. So, I was walking along, minding my business, and some moron in an SUV the size of Arkansas peeled up next to me.

“Hey, chickie baby. Uh, do you, like, need a RIDE or something?”

“Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, no, I’m okay.”

He looked at me as if I was some kind of unfortunate derelict because I was actually WALKING instead of driving some gas-guzzling-overcompensation-for-manhood.

“Well, suit yourself, I was just trying to help you out!”

He shook his head in disgust as he pulled out into traffic and proceeded to cut off the little old lady in a Honda so he could get home 4 seconds sooner to go beat his wife and children.

Now, I gotta tell you, I’m certainly not Cindy Crawford, but at least three more cars honked at me on the way to the store. Somehow, this nice summer walk turned into the “Walk of Shame.” And that’s when came with why we Americans are such fat loads…

It’s the suburbs!

Tell me if this sounds familiar: You move out of the city and into the suburbs in hopes to find “The American Dream.” You can’t help but notice that all the sidewalks in shambles and everyone drives like they've never seen a pedestrian before. You love your family, so you buy everyone of driving age a car to ensure their safety. And in order to afford the loan payment, gas, and insurance on your family’s’ cars, you take on a nice, steady job. But unlike many countries Europe where most employers enforce a 35-hour maximum workweek and five weeks vacation, you have to work 50 to 60 hours a week so your boss doesn’t think you’re a “slacker” and use your 2 weeks vacation to catch up on chores around the house so your spouse doesn’t think you’re lazy.

After your normal grueling workweek, you don’t even want to think about making dinner, but going to restaurants is noisy and expensive, so on the way home, you pass the “Golden Arches.” You can’t resist the convenience and value, and what kid would turn down a “Happy Meal”? So, your family thinks you’re a hero and you sit down together in front of the TV and eat your double cheeseburgers. You’re all too tired to talk so you zone out while watching reality TV and wonder why everyone’s life is better than yours,

At night, you feel too sluggish from the chemicals in the fast food to make love to your spouse. Your spouse feels slighted so you fight about something completely unrelated. You go to bed angry and with indigestion.

The next day, you don’t look so good, so your boss tells you to go see your doctor and make sure everything is in order. You tell your doctor that you feel depressed and you don’t know why, so he gives you a heavy dose of anti-depressants and sleep aids, which make you feel good for a while, but make you gain even more weight. Your spouse is no longer attracted to you but you barely notice because you’re so zonked on medication.

You try to put on your favorite pair of pants one morning and they don’t fit. Your spouse nags you about your weight and appearance. You get more depressed, and have to work longer hours to avoid your family and afford the anti-depressants that your pathetic company insurance will barely cover.

On your drive home from a late night at the office, you look out the window and see a pedestrian walking up the street, on the way to the grocery store with a little “granny cart.” As much as you hate your life, your stop to think, “Well, at least I’m not a poor pathetic loser like that! I can at least provide cars for my family!” You honk at them to see if you can make them jump, and laugh as you pull back into the McDonald’s Drive-Thru.

Congratulations. You are a fat load.

So, next time you see a penguin walking up the street, don't feel sorry for it - they just don't want to be a stereotypical American.

This has been a campaign for sidewalk awarness. There are sidewalks in the suburbs - use them or lose them. If your sidewalks suck, write to your mayor. You pay taxes for a reason, fatass.

Casu Marzu – An Unusual Delicacy

Penny for Your Thoughts:
Casu Marzu – An Unusual Delicacy
By Pagan "Penny" Penguin

Casu marzu (a.k.a. rotten cheese, maggot cheese, worm cheese, casu modde, casu cundhídu, or formaggio marcio) is a type of pecorino cheese infested with thousands of wriggling maggots. And believe it or not, it's sold for about three times the price of normal percorino! Don't believe me? Check Wikipedia - they know all about it!

This special cheese goes beyond typical fermentation to a stage most would consider decay. The cheese ages in open air, which allows the "cheese flies" (Piophila casei) to lay their eggs into it. Once eggs hatch, translucent white worms, about 8 mm (1/3 inch) long promote additional fermentation and break down the cheese's fats. Eventually, the cheese becomes very soft, pungent, and full of liquid (called lagrima, from the Sardinian for "tears").

As long as the maggots are still alive (and believe me, you'll know – you can hear them rustling from the package!), the cheese is fresh and good to eat. But buyer beware: if the maggots are dead, the cheese has become toxic. The cheese is typically eaten on crackers or bread, with the larvae still inside of it. Most foreigners try to remove the larvae or "eat around them," which is quite a difficult feat – the larvae can jump up to six inches if disturbed! And if you are adventurous like me, you should accompany your casu marzu with some "worm wine," made from the dreaded caterpillars commonly called army worms. I'll get into that in my next article – I think I hear my cheese crawling off the table.

Soy Milk

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Easter Parody Strip

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Al Gore and the Sun's Conspiracy

I saw Mr. Gore's movie last night, and it's what I always dreaded: the Earth is merely a huge oven that keeps turning its temperature up a little tiny bit at a time. Before we all know it, we'll be a giant meat casserole! We have to fight this by spiting Mother Earth. Stop using gas-guzzling cars; the fumes are just adding to our "Smoked" flavor, and I think She really likes that. We have to recycle paper so we don't use Her trees..I mean, HELLO, what happens when you burn wood? It makes the place all hot..and toasty..and dare I say it..DELICIOUS! Well! I'm not going to turn into a pot pie!

Please, if you can, recycle everything you can - and if there is no recycling in your neighborhood, contact your local township and ask why! And if you can't find any place to recycle your garbage, then throw it in your nasty little brother's room - he probably won't even notice. Packrats are my favorite: they never pollute because they keep EVERYTHING under their bed. Ahh.


And the worst part...


Al Gore Caught Warming Globe To Increase Box Office Profits

No! My hero! It can't be! This is a conspiracy!!

Happy Valentine's Day

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