HorrorScopes May 16-22

Weekly HorrorScopes May 16-22
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). You should try to de-stress by taking a leisurely walk, meditating, or practicing some light yoga. If you don't, your heart will explode inside of your chest and they will find your rotting corpse permanently adhered to the computer where your face burned into the LCD monitor.

Today's Birthday (May 16): You share a birthday with Janet Jackson! You also coincidentally have similar family backgrounds, including a brother that enjoys wearing sequins and molesting children and possibly monkeys. And monkey children wearing sequins.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will launch into another Get Rich Quick scheme which will leave you with about 3,000 custom-designed watermelon stress balls. I know, I know, it sounded like a good idea at the time...

Gemini (May 21-June 21). If you keep walking around barefoot at your gym, you're going to spawn a new form of foot fungus that burns painfully but tastes delicious on pizza.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). You will get replaced by a 20-year old that gets paid half your salary but gets work done three times as efficiently at your job. Don't worry, you can always get a job as one of those senior-citizen Walmart greeters!

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Hey, is that actually your real hair?

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You really need to focus on setting some goals in your life. Start by eating some healthy food with a proper knife, fork, and plate rather than those sporks they give you at KFC when they hand you your plastic bowl filled with cheese, mashed potatoes, and chicken neck mixture.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). It should be a fairly busy week for you with lots of phone calls, conversations and contacts with many different people dominating your agenda. You know, the bill collectors wouldn't bother you so much if you just paid off that gym equipment you bought and never used.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Just throw out that pair of jeans – you were never able to fit your fat ass into them quite right anyhow.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Your selfishness will be at an all-time high this week when you steal quarters from your friends' couch cushions to buy yourself a dozen donuts that you will eat alone in your apartment like some ravenous hyena.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). In fact, the average American uses between 300 and 700 plastic bags per year. You can help the environment by picking out one favorite plastic bag, putting it over your head, and breathing deeply.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Some people can bounce a quarter off their stomach. Amazingly enough, quarters can actually orbit around the small planet you used to call your midsection.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). You need to work on your self-esteem or you will be doomed to dating the leechy, sociopathic, moronic losers that you seem to always draw into your life. These days it's like flies to shit, so you need to either get some bug spray or watch your fiber intake.


Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: If you keep your feet firmly on the ground at all times, you'll probably ave trouble putting on your pants.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

HorrorScopes April 25-May 1st

Weekly HorrorScopes April 25-May 1st
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Today's Birthday (April 24). Happy Birthday to you and Barbra Streisand! I see that neither of you have received nose jobs for your birthday. That's too bad.

Aries (March 21-April 19). Your judgment will be clouded by a mysterious source. It’s the from a poison gas cloud in your basement. Tell your roommate to quit mixing chemicals down there.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will hurt yourself doing something really stupid, so you should fabricate an interesting story now so you don’t look like a moron when you come in to work next week with a neck brace. Perhaps you can say you were attacked by a bear while trying to save a group of Cub Scouts from a forest fire that was started by a freak marshmallow roasting accident? Or maybe you hurt yourself trying to push a blind old lady with a heart of gold out of the way of an oncoming locomotive that was engulfed in flames from the radioactive toasted forest fire marshmallows? Or better yet, you hurt yourself when you tried to steal the last bag of marshmallows out of a blind old lady’s shopping cart and a bunch of Cub Scouts saw the whole thing and beat you up in the parking lot? Oh, wait, that’s actually what’s going to happen. Man. You’re a tool.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You might have a major falling out with one of your friends over a difference of opinion. If you take it “Step by Step” and keep “Hangin’ Tough”, you should be able to say “Please Don’t Go, Girl,” and she’ll say, “Let’s Try It Again”. In the end, there is no way to prove whether Jordan is actually cuter than Donnie anyhow since they both have “The Right Stuff”.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). This week you will have a moment of clarity. Your job sucks, you significant other hates you, everyone is using you, and there is nothing you can do about it. At least you’ll never be accused of being “over optimistic”.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Some people in your life might not be impressed with your ideas right now. It's because your ideas are typically stupid, but no one is brave enough to tell you because you also have some pretty severe anger management issues.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You will receive some money very soon. You should donate some funds to a local charity before you blow it on something stupid like a Beer Pong Table or that stripper that pretends to care about your feelings.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). No, you’re not supposed to feel that way, ever. That’s totally not normal. Seek help.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You should really take better care of your health. Cheetos might be orange, but that doesn’t mean that they actually contain any traces of Vitamin C.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Your socks are on backwards. What, you didn’t know socks had to go on a certain “way”? Man, your mamma didn’t raise you right!

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You will feel like running away from the world and joining the circus. Unfortunately the circus if full of enough freaks, they really need some stable people to run the show, and the only thing you can run is your hideously deformed mouth.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Your house was built on an Indian burial ground, why you occasionally smell the delicious aromas of curried chicken and mango chutney through your halls. Oh, you thought I meant American Indian? No way, you’d probably be carved into some kind of ceremonial mask or gourd or something by now! You’re pretty safe as long as you try to keep steak and burgers out of your house. I mean, you don’t eat steak, do you? Oh, man, you’re in trouble….

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). A male Capricorn will lie to you and try to scam you out of a ton of money. It’s okay to smack him in the head with a rock, he deserves it. Also, don’t forget to floss.



Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Marriage is like a game of poker – you start with a pair and end up with a full house. This also requires a lot of bluffing.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

HorrorScope January 18-24

Weekly HorrorScope January 11 - January 17
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Always remember to always think before you act . If you've seen any film with Hayden Christensen, you would see an example of an Aries that NEVER thinks before he acts.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Don't waste your money on that nose job, it will just call more attention to your beak. People will just say, “Hey, So-and-So got a nose job!” rather than “Wow, doesn’t So-and-So have a fine looking shnozz? I think it’s time to give them a raise.”

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Unless you have already seen Cloverfield, we suggest you get the heck off the internet and go see it before some vindictive a-holes post spoilers everywhere. You know, we didn't even have to be psychic about the end of Harry Potter - some jerk wrote it on the freaking bathroom stall door. Don't worry, shortly thereafter, he got hit by a bus (the guy that wrote on the bathroom door, not Harry Potter. Harry Potter gets eaten alive by a mongoose.)

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Your complete lack of ethics would make you a great business person and an extraordinarily corrupt politician. I mean, look at what it did to your fellow Cancer buddy, George W. Bush?

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You've always been a little bit psychic, which is why you are convinced that the CIA is tapping your phone calls. Really, your life is not that interesting, so that "funny feeling of being watched" is just your ISP logging your illegal downloads.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You've always held the attitude that if you want something done right, do it yourself. But since your toilet is still is leaking into your neighbor's living room and the computer you repaired still smells like burning plastic, why don't you scrap that idea and call a professional?

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). You are always very sympathetic to other peoples' problems and you care about the fate of the world a great deal. This makes you a complete sucker 80% more susceptible to online scammers.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Sept. 21). Beware of papercuts from manila folders. They bleed FOREVER!

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Your lack of disciple will hurt you when you miss a deadline because of your drinking binge the night before. Your boss won't get as mad at you if you actually change out of your smoke-filled, beer/mystery stained party outfit this time.

Today's Birthday (January 18): Happy Birthday & Happy Winnie the Pooh Day. Feel free to binge on cake and cookies to celebrate these momentous occasions, but don't be surprised if your ass gets stuck in a window or when your snout gets lodged in a jar full of "Hunny".

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Quit blaming your life's problems on your crappy childhood; your problems are caused by the simple fact that you're a complete moron.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). You are extremely practical, which also makes you really boring. At times, people avoid you so they can escape your endless, pointless, dry conversations. Come on Aquarius - no one really wants to see those pictures from your damn kid's birthday party.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Pisces women might think they know what's best for people, but their know-it-all attitude comes off as more bitchy than helpful. You only have the right to criticize people that came screaming out your nether regions, so that includes your children, your husband, and that one-night stand that you probably don't remember. Pisces men should go get that lump examined.



Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. This makes you very attractive to the deaf, dumb & blind.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.