Aries (March 21-April 19). Warming something frozen up in the microwave does not make you a chef. Besides, roadkill should really be grilled or at least deep fried in lard.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Your ass has exceeded the weight limit of your pants. Next time, invest in a forklift as an accessory.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Your neighbors can smell your laundry hamper from their living room. You should probably pull grandma out of there before they call the cops.

Today’s Birthday (May 30): As you try to take a bite out of your birthday cake, someone will come up next to you and punch you in the face.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Do the world a favor and skip that onion bagel in the morning. Oh, you didn’t have an onion bagel? Then what the heck are you brushing your teeth with – armpits?

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You will get your snout stuck in a jar trying to get “Hunny”. You will panic and slowly asphyxiate.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You are depleting the world’s water supply with your horribly dry sense of humor.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). You better watch your step. This level has lava pits. And no magic mushrooms.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Try to shake things up a little bit. But not babies. You should really stop shaking babies, it’s rude.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You will invent colon-lingus. You might wanna try flossing afterwards.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You might think you are dark and mysterious, but really you’re more awkward and creepy. I mean, what kind of person gets aroused driving past cemeteries?

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Your childhood scars are not an excuse to be a douchebag all the time. But your face is. Oh!

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Life has been rough for you lately, so you should let loose and do something wild. Like maybe get a new haircut or kick a puppy.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: If the shoe fits, wear it. Unless you’re a woman. Then you have to buy a smaller size of it, in every color, and only wear it once and complain about it the whole time.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

Aries (March 21-April 19). No, you can’t ease your financial woes by selling your half-eaten sandwich on E-bay.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will watch Watermelon Nights about 35 times before you start weeping because you aren’t a cute, happy, singing watermelon…you’re just shaped like one.

Today’s Birthday (May 23): You share the same birthday as Drew Carey. Good, now there is at least one thing interesting about you.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You will step in poo this week and kinda like it. It will become a new livelong fixation that will get you a prime spot on a Jerry Springer ripoff show.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Nice gas guzzling vehicle you drive there, Al Gore. You know what they say about large carbon footprints…small carbon-based manhoods.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Your unusual sexual desires are not normal and you should seek help.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Your pack rat tendencies are becoming a nuisance to your friends and family. What the heck are you going to do with 75 Chinese food containers with no lids and four metric tons of twist ties?

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). That burger you ate last week was made out of people. If it’s any consolation, they weren’t really nice people. Well, except for one of them. She was really sweet and always recycled.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Every time you Google yourself, a baby kitten dies.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Your body isn’t full of “love bumps”. Those are just rolls of hideous fat. And possibly tumors.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Money matters might have you under stress this month. You can always just sell a kidney, or maybe one of your children. Or some of your childrens’ kidneys!

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Since spring is in the air, now is a good time to refresh your wardrobe, and that even includes your undergarments. At the moment, your underwear has more tracks than your local railroad.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). It’s time for a career change! Before you send out your generic resume to a zillion companies, try to make sure you take down that photo of you pretending to felicitate the Ronald McDonald statue that comes up on Google image searches.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

Aries (March 21-April 19). You should try to de-stress by taking a leisurely walk, meditating, or practicing some light yoga. If you don’t, your heart will explode inside of your chest and they will find your rotting corpse permanently adhered to the computer where your face burned into the LCD monitor.

Today’s Birthday (May 16): You share a birthday with Janet Jackson! You also coincidentally have similar family backgrounds, including a brother that enjoys wearing sequins and molesting children and possibly monkeys. And monkey children wearing sequins.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will launch into another Get Rich Quick scheme which will leave you with about 3,000 custom-designed watermelon stress balls. I know, I know, it sounded like a good idea at the time…

Gemini (May 21-June 21). If you keep walking around barefoot at your gym, you’re going to spawn a new form of foot fungus that burns painfully but tastes delicious on pizza.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). You will get replaced by a 20-year old that gets paid half your salary but gets work done three times as efficiently at your job. Don’t worry, you can always get a job as one of those senior-citizen Walmart greeters!

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Hey, is that actually your real hair?

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You really need to focus on setting some goals in your life. Start by eating some healthy food with a proper knife, fork, and plate rather than those sporks they give you at KFC when they hand you your plastic bowl filled with cheese, mashed potatoes, and chicken neck mixture.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). It should be a fairly busy week for you with lots of phone calls, conversations and contacts with many different people dominating your agenda. You know, the bill collectors wouldn’t bother you so much if you just paid off that gym equipment you bought and never used.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Just throw out that pair of jeans – you were never able to fit your fat ass into them quite right anyhow.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Your selfishness will be at an all-time high this week when you steal quarters from your friends’ couch cushions to buy yourself a dozen donuts that you will eat alone in your apartment like some ravenous hyena.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). In fact, the average American uses between 300 and 700 plastic bags per year. You can help the environment by picking out one favorite plastic bag, putting it over your head, and breathing deeply.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Some people can bounce a quarter off their stomach. Amazingly enough, quarters can actually orbit around the small planet you used to call your midsection.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). You need to work on your self-esteem or you will be doomed to dating the leechy, sociopathic, moronic losers that you seem to always draw into your life. These days it’s like flies to shit, so you need to either get some bug spray or watch your fiber intake.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: If you keep your feet firmly on the ground at all times, you’ll probably ave trouble putting on your pants.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

By Pagan “Penny” Penguin

Special Note: Since Wiccan Chicken has a major beak surgery this week. I will be handling the HorrorScopes, so don’t worry, they won’t be watered down by his P.C. sensibilities. You’ll get nothin’ but the truth, kids.

Today’s Birthday (May 9). You’re an assface.

Aries (March 21-April 19). You’re a buttmunch.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Your mother’s a whore.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You’re a liar.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). You are also a liar.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Your pants are on fire.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You nose is a long as a telephone wire.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). You smell funny.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You look funny.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You aren’t funny.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You. You’re the worst of them all.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Eh, I got no problem with you. You’re pretty cool.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Oh, don’t even get me started on your crazy ass.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Pagan Penguin has her period. I’m not saying anything.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

Today’s Birthday (May 2). You will be desperately craving attention all week, so you’ll post numerous MySpace bulletins threatening to commit suicide due to your lousy, lonely birthday. For once, friends will actually respond to your pleas and offer you helpful tips on how to do the job right.

Aries (March 21-April 19). You should delete all the songs on your hard drive that remind you of the dysfunctional relations you had with your ex. Not only do you need to let go, but all those songs were illegal downloaded and some guys from recording industry are hot on your trail.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Try not to shoot the messenger this week when you receive some bad news. It’s really not the pizza guy’s fault that the shop won’t honor your ripped, coffee-stained, expired 5% off coupon. Man, you are a cheapskate.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Jealousy will get the best of you when you realize that all of your friends make more money than you, but are far more stupid. Rather than getting mad, you should just anonymously call their bosses to alert them of their office mischief, and then go ahead and apply for their jobs.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Your crotch reeks of dog saliva and peanut butter today. Any reason for that?

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You can learn a lot if you listen to people that are older and wiser than you. For instance, too many prunes can seriously give you diaper rash, Viagra has a higher market value than most hookers, and if you pretend you pass out, the nurse at the Assisted Living Center will usually stop beating you.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You will roam the world searching for your one true love, but you’ll just end up kissing a lot of toads that give you genital warts.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Your parents found your stash and they’re keeping it all for themselves.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Scorpio female: You will receive an interesting surprise this week when you find a picture of your ex-boyfriend in the arms of another man that you also used to date. You sure know how to convert the masses – at that rate, you should practice religion! Scorpio male: You should evaluate your proposals this week, namely the ones involving a diamond ring. Make sure it’s the right size; that means at least three carets with a solid platinum band. That’s what you get for dating a high-maintenance girlfriend. She’s not really a blond, you know.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Your employer will switch your seating arrangements so you’re stuck next to the guy that hums the “Sesame Street Theme Song” incessantly. Oh, well, at least you don’t need to sit next to that person that smells like Parmesan cheese anymore. Oh, wait…That’s you.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Don’t be afraid or too shy to show others how valuable you are. You can charge your clients at least $5 more for your famous “Happy Ending Specials”.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). You will feel like running away on a vacation, but your finances won’t allow such an indiscretion. Maybe, if you sit really close to the TV during LOST, you can pretend that you are on a lovely island surrounded by a big fat guy wearing Hawaiian trunks and bitchy doctors, just like a real vacation.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). You will experience difficulties with people you have to work with, but what do you expect at the graveyard shift at Denny’s?

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Negotiations with a significant others usually lead to new and interesting developments that usually include unwanted pregnancies.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

Today’s Birthday (April 24). Happy Birthday to you and Barbra Streisand! I see that neither of you have received nose jobs for your birthday. That’s too bad.

Aries (March 21-April 19). Your judgment will be clouded by a mysterious source. It’s the from a poison gas cloud in your basement. Tell your roommate to quit mixing chemicals down there.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will hurt yourself doing something really stupid, so you should fabricate an interesting story now so you don’t look like a moron when you come in to work next week with a neck brace. Perhaps you can say you were attacked by a bear while trying to save a group of Cub Scouts from a forest fire that was started by a freak marshmallow roasting accident? Or maybe you hurt yourself trying to push a blind old lady with a heart of gold out of the way of an oncoming locomotive that was engulfed in flames from the radioactive toasted forest fire marshmallows? Or better yet, you hurt yourself when you tried to steal the last bag of marshmallows out of a blind old lady’s shopping cart and a bunch of Cub Scouts saw the whole thing and beat you up in the parking lot? Oh, wait, that’s actually what’s going to happen. Man. You’re a tool.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You might have a major falling out with one of your friends over a difference of opinion. If you take it “Step by Step” and keep “Hangin’ Tough”, you should be able to say “Please Don’t Go, Girl,” and she’ll say, “Let’s Try It Again”. In the end, there is no way to prove whether Jordan is actually cuter than Donnie anyhow since they both have “The Right Stuff”.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). This week you will have a moment of clarity. Your job sucks, you significant other hates you, everyone is using you, and there is nothing you can do about it. At least you’ll never be accused of being “over optimistic”.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Some people in your life might not be impressed with your ideas right now. It’s because your ideas are typically stupid, but no one is brave enough to tell you because you also have some pretty severe anger management issues.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You will receive some money very soon. You should donate some funds to a local charity before you blow it on something stupid like a Beer Pong Table or that stripper that pretends to care about your feelings.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). No, you’re not supposed to feel that way, ever. That’s totally not normal. Seek help.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You should really take better care of your health. Cheetos might be orange, but that doesn’t mean that they actually contain any traces of Vitamin C.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Your socks are on backwards. What, you didn’t know socks had to go on a certain “way”? Man, your mamma didn’t raise you right!

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You will feel like running away from the world and joining the circus. Unfortunately the circus if full of enough freaks, they really need some stable people to run the show, and the only thing you can run is your hideously deformed mouth.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Your house was built on an Indian burial ground, why you occasionally smell the delicious aromas of curried chicken and mango chutney through your halls. Oh, you thought I meant American Indian? No way, you’d probably be carved into some kind of ceremonial mask or gourd or something by now! You’re pretty safe as long as you try to keep steak and burgers out of your house. I mean, you don’t eat steak, do you? Oh, man, you’re in trouble….

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). A male Capricorn will lie to you and try to scam you out of a ton of money. It’s okay to smack him in the head with a rock, he deserves it. Also, don’t forget to floss.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Marriage is like a game of poker – you start with a pair and end up with a full house. This also requires a lot of bluffing.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

Today’s Birthday (April 17). Not only do you share Daffy Duck’s Birthday, but you share his
manic, explosive personality and his slight speech impediment.

Aries (March 21-April 19). Your all-or-nothing attitude will get you in trouble when your stomach explodes at an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet. You shouldn’t have had that extra shrimp-filled cream puff.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will always be the one that ends up stuck with the check at the end of the meal because people didn’t account for tax and tip. Your friends suck, and you are a sucker. You’d be better of sitting in your apartment eating Ramen Noodle alone. In the dark. Straight from the pot. With a spork.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Try to restrain yourself when you get into an argument later this week. You really have better things to do than try to find some place to destroy dental records and stash a body.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Spring is in the air, which means its time for romance and of course, seasonal allergies. Before you decide to play tonsil hockey with your current cutie, take an allergy pill so you don’t end up sneezing your pollen-filled booger-cocktail right in their face. Unless of course, they like that sort of thing as a part of foreplay.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You might be in the mood for a little excitement today, but you should really move past your adolescent days of cow tipping and leaving flaming bags of dung on your neighbor’s doorstep. Perhaps you can do something fun, but more adult, like…trying a new flavor of frozen yogurt or getting a bad-assed bumper sticker that says, “My Other Car is a Broomstick” or something. Now THAT’S living on the edge.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Your level of procrastination will be at an all-time high when your mountain of paperwork falls over and nearly suffocates you this week. Even though you will narrowly escape death this time, you’ll still die sometime next week when the paper cut you receive becomes infected and poisons your blood.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Try to focus on your family this week and remember whose birthday are you forgetting. Also, try to buy them a creative gift from the heart, since they’ll lose whatever generic gift card you buy them and blame you for being impersonal later.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You have a tendency to be overcritical and you’re not afraid to show it. Not as many people have as thick of skin (or as thick of a head) as you, so lay off and people will stop keying your car.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You might think no one likes you, but it’s just that you’ve been partying so hard lately that your tolerance for ruffies is way above normal. If you really want to feel “wanted”, try to ask for a higher dosage so the college kids can relieve some stress with your passed out body.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You will be extremely famous. Even after your death, you will be on permanent display at the Philadelphia Mutter Museum as the record holder for the most amount of venereal diseases contracted at one time. Also, someone will tattoo a picture of a penis on your face in your sleep.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Someone you work with will try to set you up with their frumpy, overly religious, piano-recital loving, home-schooled, socially inept, Republican cousin. It’s the best you can do, so go for it!

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Try not to be so darned chipper on Monday mornings. You overly positive attitude will make people around you feel nauseous, until you start to feel violently nauseous in the coming weeks. It’s not bad sushi – it’s the voodoo doll an embittered coworker created of you.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: The secretary is never a permanent fixture until she is screwed on a desk.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). My crystal ball says that you drink far too much soda. I can’t read any more because of all the bubbles. Oh, wait, I see it…you also burp and fart too much. I don’t need my crystal ball to see that this is all related.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Someone in your immediately family will fall off of a cliff and leave you a large inheritance. Unfortunately, rather than large monetary gains, you will receive a large pitbull that likes to nuzzle next to a pile of bones that he collected from the “Missing” neighborhood children.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). One of your children will go missing. You might want to ask the Taurus that lives next door to you about it.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). FYI, your nickname at work is “The Old Man”. No one wants to hear your long, rambling, non-nonsensical stories. Also, no one wants to hear about your experiences with buying Viagra and “pumps” through e-mail direct-marketing campaigns. I can’t believe you gave those people your credit card number…

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You will finally finish off the last of the candy in your Easter Basket, and you will continue to feel resentful that you did not receive any orange Cadbury Creme Eggs this year. Also, the mall Easter Bunny asked us to tell you to please stop calling him; his name is actually Joe and you’re really freaking out his wife. How the hell did you get his number, anyhow?

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). There has been a large crime-spree in your neighborhood. You might want to finally change those locks, or at least booby trap your house with buckets of paint. That’s what Macaulay Culkin did to avoid perpetrators and molesters, and we all know how his life turned out.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Stop trying to be such a people-pleaser. I know you’re trying to make everyone happy, but you’re just coming across as a high-strung ass-kisser. Also, try to cut down on all the blow you’re doing. It’s just no good.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You will try a new fad diet in the coming weeks. In the end, the only weight you’ll lose will be in your wallet.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You will make the world a better place when you tragically die at a young age.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You might want to try something new this week, like showering and maybe even brushing your teeth. And while you’re off the couch, perhaps you might want to look into purchasing some dignity and self respect?

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). You might say you have a clear conscience, but really, you just have a bad memory.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). If April Showers bring May Flowers, the April Shit-Storms you are going to get stuck in will bring you rolls and rolls of May Flowery-Printed Toilet Paper. Unfortunately, the flusher will be broken until at least June. You might as well pick up a few magazines to read because it’s not ending soon.

Today’s Birthday (April 11). Your birthday cake will light your eyebrows on fire, but you won’t notice until the flames have consumed much of the hair on your head. Eh, your hairline was starting to recede, anyhow.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: A woman that is laid in a tomb might someday become a mummy.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). A very attractive person will hit on you this week, but beware, they have more miles on them than your dad’s old car.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will spend your entire weekend ripping up grass from your flower bed, only to replace it with different grass that is supposedly “ornamental”. Some people call that gardening. but really, that’s just insane.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You will notice a strange lump on your side. That’s your significant other.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Your energy level will be high this week, but try to avoid starting projects that you can’t finish, since you will go back to being your same, lazy self in a few days.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Your attention will be in million places this week. except for the road. The police, however, will have seen the whole thing.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You will be challenged with intense and complex issues, mainly concerning the debate over whether to buy chunky or smooth peanut butter. You know, if you had a better job, you could afford to buy both.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Avoid being pulled into an intense disagreement that is fueled by fear of the unknown. In other worlds, avoid speaking to Republicans in general.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You will soon have the opportunity to be earning a little more money, however, prostitution is still illegal in most states, especially if you are prostituting your own family members against their will.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth this week. They actually have huge teeth that could chew your entire face off.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Your dreams will have a great significance this week, since you will one and for all realize that you can never achieve them.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Make sure you pamper yourself this week, since you’re going to have a slight accident in public. And if Pampers are too small for your fat butt, I’m sure Depends works as well.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). The combination of certain planetary forces may affect us in mysterious ways. In your case, they give you bad gas.

Today’s Birthday (April 4) On this day in history, Martin Luther King, Jr. died. He had a dream that changed lives, whereas, you have dreams that stain your pajama pants.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: She who finds happiness found a man who has no spine.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). You will receive a lot of compliments on your current outfits. Too bad you’re only looking good because everyone bought you clothing for birthday and you’ll just go back to wearing greasy sweatpants in a week or two.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Everyone hates those ego-centric stupid online surveys you post. No one wants to know your favorite sexual position, so stop telling the world.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You will get excited when you find a treasure map, and after pulling together a highly-trailed team of excavators, you will discover that the map is simply a maze from the back of an old cereal box.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). You will have a pretty severe misunderstanding with a loved one this week. You might want to prepare your own food for a while and sleep with a gun under your pillow.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Yes, they did find the sex tape. They laughed, they cried, and they made copies.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). A winning lottery ticket will end up disintegrating in the pants pocket of your favorite jeans somewhere between the rinse and spin cycle. Also, those jeans are not shrinking, your ass is just growing.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Family matters might come to a forefront in your life this week. You might as well ignore them since they all hate you.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Your next relationship will surely end because of an ill-timed text message.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You might want to do a little spring cleaning in the next few weeks. Replace your heating filter, clean your fish tank, get your oil changed, and for goodness sake, throw out the phone number of that person you met at a bar a few months ago. You’ve been leaving pathetic messages on the answering machine of an 85-year old woman, and she doesn’t even want to go grab a cup of coffee with you.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Stop being so defensive. Constructive criticism is useful tool, especially since you are genuinely acting like a douche bag.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). You might be looking for some excitement right now, but pissing on electric fences is generally not a good idea.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Try to make some positive changes in your life this week. Start by dumping your significant other before you get too comfortable and start spawning their hideous offspring.

Today’s Birthday (March 28). On this day in history, Virginia Woolf committed suicide after becoming depressed and hearing voices in her head. At least the voices in your head only make you kill other people, not yourself.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: You don’t get something for nothing in this word, except when you steal it out of your neighbor’s backyard.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.