Weekly HorrorScopes April 11-April 17
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin
Today’s Birthday (April 17). Not only do you share Daffy Duck’s Birthday, but you share his
manic, explosive personality and his slight speech impediment.
Aries (March 21-April 19). Your all-or-nothing attitude will get you in trouble when your stomach explodes at an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet. You shouldn’t have had that extra shrimp-filled cream puff.
Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will always be the one that ends up stuck with the check at the end of the meal because people didn’t account for tax and tip. Your friends suck, and you are a sucker. You’d be better of sitting in your apartment eating Ramen Noodle alone. In the dark. Straight from the pot. With a spork.
Gemini (May 21-June 21). Try to restrain yourself when you get into an argument later this week. You really have better things to do than try to find some place to destroy dental records and stash a body.
Cancer (June 22-July 22). Spring is in the air, which means its time for romance and of course, seasonal allergies. Before you decide to play tonsil hockey with your current cutie, take an allergy pill so you don’t end up sneezing your pollen-filled booger-cocktail right in their face. Unless of course, they like that sort of thing as a part of foreplay.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You might be in the mood for a little excitement today, but you should really move past your adolescent days of cow tipping and leaving flaming bags of dung on your neighbor’s doorstep. Perhaps you can do something fun, but more adult, like…trying a new flavor of frozen yogurt or getting a bad-assed bumper sticker that says, “My Other Car is a Broomstick” or something. Now THAT’S living on the edge.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Your level of procrastination will be at an all-time high when your mountain of paperwork falls over and nearly suffocates you this week. Even though you will narrowly escape death this time, you’ll still die sometime next week when the paper cut you receive becomes infected and poisons your blood.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Try to focus on your family this week and remember whose birthday are you forgetting. Also, try to buy them a creative gift from the heart, since they’ll lose whatever generic gift card you buy them and blame you for being impersonal later.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You have a tendency to be overcritical and you’re not afraid to show it. Not as many people have as thick of skin (or as thick of a head) as you, so lay off and people will stop keying your car.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You might think no one likes you, but it’s just that you’ve been partying so hard lately that your tolerance for ruffies is way above normal. If you really want to feel “wanted”, try to ask for a higher dosage so the college kids can relieve some stress with your passed out body.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You will be extremely famous. Even after your death, you will be on permanent display at the Philadelphia Mutter Museum as the record holder for the most amount of venereal diseases contracted at one time. Also, someone will tattoo a picture of a penis on your face in your sleep.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Someone you work with will try to set you up with their frumpy, overly religious, piano-recital loving, home-schooled, socially inept, Republican cousin. It’s the best you can do, so go for it!
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Try not to be so darned chipper on Monday mornings. You overly positive attitude will make people around you feel nauseous, until you start to feel violently nauseous in the coming weeks. It’s not bad sushi – it’s the voodoo doll an embittered coworker created of you.
Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: The secretary is never a permanent fixture until she is screwed on a desk.
Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.
Weekly HorrorScopes April 4-April 10
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin
Aries (March 21-April 19). A very attractive person will hit on you this week, but beware, they have more miles on them than your dad’s old car.
Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will spend your entire weekend ripping up grass from your flower bed, only to replace it with different grass that is supposedly “ornamental”. Some people call that gardening. but really, that’s just insane.
Gemini (May 21-June 21). You will notice a strange lump on your side. That’s your significant other.
Cancer (June 22-July 22). Your energy level will be high this week, but try to avoid starting projects that you can’t finish, since you will go back to being your same, lazy self in a few days.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Your attention will be in million places this week. except for the road. The police, however, will have seen the whole thing.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You will be challenged with intense and complex issues, mainly concerning the debate over whether to buy chunky or smooth peanut butter. You know, if you had a better job, you could afford to buy both.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Avoid being pulled into an intense disagreement that is fueled by fear of the unknown. In other worlds, avoid speaking to Republicans in general.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You will soon have the opportunity to be earning a little more money, however, prostitution is still illegal in most states, especially if you are prostituting your own family members against their will.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth this week. They actually have huge teeth that could chew your entire face off.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Your dreams will have a great significance this week, since you will one and for all realize that you can never achieve them.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Make sure you pamper yourself this week, since you’re going to have a slight accident in public. And if Pampers are too small for your fat butt, I’m sure Depends works as well.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). The combination of certain planetary forces may affect us in mysterious ways. In your case, they give you bad gas.
Today’s Birthday (April 4) On this day in history, Martin Luther King, Jr. died. He had a dream that changed lives, whereas, you have dreams that stain your pajama pants.Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: She who finds happiness found a man who has no spine.
Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.
