Weekly HorrorScopes May 23-29
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin
Aries (March 21-April 19). No, you can’t ease your financial woes by selling your half-eaten sandwich on E-bay.
Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will watch Watermelon Nights about 35 times before you start weeping because you aren’t a cute, happy, singing watermelon…you’re just shaped like one.
Today’s Birthday (May 23): You share the same birthday as Drew Carey. Good, now there is at least one thing interesting about you.
Gemini (May 21-June 21). You will step in poo this week and kinda like it. It will become a new livelong fixation that will get you a prime spot on a Jerry Springer ripoff show.
Cancer (June 22-July 22). Nice gas guzzling vehicle you drive there, Al Gore. You know what they say about large carbon footprints…small carbon-based manhoods.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Your unusual sexual desires are not normal and you should seek help.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Your pack rat tendencies are becoming a nuisance to your friends and family. What the heck are you going to do with 75 Chinese food containers with no lids and four metric tons of twist ties?
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). That burger you ate last week was made out of people. If it’s any consolation, they weren’t really nice people. Well, except for one of them. She was really sweet and always recycled.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Every time you Google yourself, a baby kitten dies.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Your body isn’t full of “love bumps”. Those are just rolls of hideous fat. And possibly tumors.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Money matters might have you under stress this month. You can always just sell a kidney, or maybe one of your children. Or some of your childrens’ kidneys!
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Since spring is in the air, now is a good time to refresh your wardrobe, and that even includes your undergarments. At the moment, your underwear has more tracks than your local railroad.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). It’s time for a career change! Before you send out your generic resume to a zillion companies, try to make sure you take down that photo of you pretending to felicitate the Ronald McDonald statue that comes up on Google image searches.
Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.
Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.
Weekly HorrorScopes April 11-April 17
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin
Today’s Birthday (April 17). Not only do you share Daffy Duck’s Birthday, but you share his
manic, explosive personality and his slight speech impediment.
Aries (March 21-April 19). Your all-or-nothing attitude will get you in trouble when your stomach explodes at an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet. You shouldn’t have had that extra shrimp-filled cream puff.
Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will always be the one that ends up stuck with the check at the end of the meal because people didn’t account for tax and tip. Your friends suck, and you are a sucker. You’d be better of sitting in your apartment eating Ramen Noodle alone. In the dark. Straight from the pot. With a spork.
Gemini (May 21-June 21). Try to restrain yourself when you get into an argument later this week. You really have better things to do than try to find some place to destroy dental records and stash a body.
Cancer (June 22-July 22). Spring is in the air, which means its time for romance and of course, seasonal allergies. Before you decide to play tonsil hockey with your current cutie, take an allergy pill so you don’t end up sneezing your pollen-filled booger-cocktail right in their face. Unless of course, they like that sort of thing as a part of foreplay.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You might be in the mood for a little excitement today, but you should really move past your adolescent days of cow tipping and leaving flaming bags of dung on your neighbor’s doorstep. Perhaps you can do something fun, but more adult, like…trying a new flavor of frozen yogurt or getting a bad-assed bumper sticker that says, “My Other Car is a Broomstick” or something. Now THAT’S living on the edge.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Your level of procrastination will be at an all-time high when your mountain of paperwork falls over and nearly suffocates you this week. Even though you will narrowly escape death this time, you’ll still die sometime next week when the paper cut you receive becomes infected and poisons your blood.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Try to focus on your family this week and remember whose birthday are you forgetting. Also, try to buy them a creative gift from the heart, since they’ll lose whatever generic gift card you buy them and blame you for being impersonal later.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You have a tendency to be overcritical and you’re not afraid to show it. Not as many people have as thick of skin (or as thick of a head) as you, so lay off and people will stop keying your car.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You might think no one likes you, but it’s just that you’ve been partying so hard lately that your tolerance for ruffies is way above normal. If you really want to feel “wanted”, try to ask for a higher dosage so the college kids can relieve some stress with your passed out body.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You will be extremely famous. Even after your death, you will be on permanent display at the Philadelphia Mutter Museum as the record holder for the most amount of venereal diseases contracted at one time. Also, someone will tattoo a picture of a penis on your face in your sleep.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Someone you work with will try to set you up with their frumpy, overly religious, piano-recital loving, home-schooled, socially inept, Republican cousin. It’s the best you can do, so go for it!
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Try not to be so darned chipper on Monday mornings. You overly positive attitude will make people around you feel nauseous, until you start to feel violently nauseous in the coming weeks. It’s not bad sushi – it’s the voodoo doll an embittered coworker created of you.
Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: The secretary is never a permanent fixture until she is screwed on a desk.
Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.
Weekly HorrorScopes April 11-April 17
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin
Aries (March 21-April 19). My crystal ball says that you drink far too much soda. I can’t read any more because of all the bubbles. Oh, wait, I see it…you also burp and fart too much. I don’t need my crystal ball to see that this is all related.
Taurus (April 20-May 20). Someone in your immediately family will fall off of a cliff and leave you a large inheritance. Unfortunately, rather than large monetary gains, you will receive a large pitbull that likes to nuzzle next to a pile of bones that he collected from the “Missing” neighborhood children.
Gemini (May 21-June 21). One of your children will go missing. You might want to ask the Taurus that lives next door to you about it.
Cancer (June 22-July 22). FYI, your nickname at work is “The Old Man”. No one wants to hear your long, rambling, non-nonsensical stories. Also, no one wants to hear about your experiences with buying Viagra and “pumps” through e-mail direct-marketing campaigns. I can’t believe you gave those people your credit card number…
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You will finally finish off the last of the candy in your Easter Basket, and you will continue to feel resentful that you did not receive any orange Cadbury Creme Eggs this year. Also, the mall Easter Bunny asked us to tell you to please stop calling him; his name is actually Joe and you’re really freaking out his wife. How the hell did you get his number, anyhow?
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). There has been a large crime-spree in your neighborhood. You might want to finally change those locks, or at least booby trap your house with buckets of paint. That’s what Macaulay Culkin did to avoid perpetrators and molesters, and we all know how his life turned out.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Stop trying to be such a people-pleaser. I know you’re trying to make everyone happy, but you’re just coming across as a high-strung ass-kisser. Also, try to cut down on all the blow you’re doing. It’s just no good.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You will try a new fad diet in the coming weeks. In the end, the only weight you’ll lose will be in your wallet.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You will make the world a better place when you tragically die at a young age.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You might want to try something new this week, like showering and maybe even brushing your teeth. And while you’re off the couch, perhaps you might want to look into purchasing some dignity and self respect?
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). You might say you have a clear conscience, but really, you just have a bad memory.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). If April Showers bring May Flowers, the April Shit-Storms you are going to get stuck in will bring you rolls and rolls of May Flowery-Printed Toilet Paper. Unfortunately, the flusher will be broken until at least June. You might as well pick up a few magazines to read because it’s not ending soon.
Today’s Birthday (April 11). Your birthday cake will light your eyebrows on fire, but you won’t notice until the flames have consumed much of the hair on your head. Eh, your hairline was starting to recede, anyhow.Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: A woman that is laid in a tomb might someday become a mummy.
Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.
Weekly HorrorScopes April 4-April 10
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin
Aries (March 21-April 19). A very attractive person will hit on you this week, but beware, they have more miles on them than your dad’s old car.
Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will spend your entire weekend ripping up grass from your flower bed, only to replace it with different grass that is supposedly “ornamental”. Some people call that gardening. but really, that’s just insane.
Gemini (May 21-June 21). You will notice a strange lump on your side. That’s your significant other.
Cancer (June 22-July 22). Your energy level will be high this week, but try to avoid starting projects that you can’t finish, since you will go back to being your same, lazy self in a few days.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Your attention will be in million places this week. except for the road. The police, however, will have seen the whole thing.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You will be challenged with intense and complex issues, mainly concerning the debate over whether to buy chunky or smooth peanut butter. You know, if you had a better job, you could afford to buy both.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Avoid being pulled into an intense disagreement that is fueled by fear of the unknown. In other worlds, avoid speaking to Republicans in general.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You will soon have the opportunity to be earning a little more money, however, prostitution is still illegal in most states, especially if you are prostituting your own family members against their will.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth this week. They actually have huge teeth that could chew your entire face off.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Your dreams will have a great significance this week, since you will one and for all realize that you can never achieve them.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Make sure you pamper yourself this week, since you’re going to have a slight accident in public. And if Pampers are too small for your fat butt, I’m sure Depends works as well.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). The combination of certain planetary forces may affect us in mysterious ways. In your case, they give you bad gas.
Today’s Birthday (April 4) On this day in history, Martin Luther King, Jr. died. He had a dream that changed lives, whereas, you have dreams that stain your pajama pants.Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: She who finds happiness found a man who has no spine.
Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.
