Weekly HorrorScopes March 7 – 13
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin
Aries (March 21-April 19). Just when you think everything has already gone horribly wrong, you’ll find out the true meaning of “koro“.
Taurus (April 20-May 20). As the sign of the bull, we are aware that you don’t like change, but you should consider changing your lightbulbs once they burn out. your oil every 3,000 miles, and your underwear at least once a week.
Gemini (May 21-June 21). Your dentist secretly uses photos of your mouth as the “before” picture.
Cancer (June 22-July 22). If you want people to respect you, try wearing navy blue since studies show that people associate that color with power and leadership. You might also want to try to start wearing pants, yanno, in general.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). When you are in bed with your partner, they imagine Hayden Christensen instead of you.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Saying “Giggity, giggity, giggity” all the time won’t make you as cool as Quagmire – it’s just liable to get you punched in the face.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). No, the short guy at the coffee shop is a leprechaun – he suffers a rare bone disorder. Quit harassing him to find out where he hid his gold.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). An old flame will come back into your life and make you a bit uncomfortable. If lighting your farts in the 8th grade didn’t go so well, what makes you think today will be any different?
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Wow, you’re wearing a cute outfit today! It would look fantastic on a more attractive person.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19).You somehow manage to make the entire world around you burst with laughter. Unfortunately, they’re laughing AT you, not with you.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): In your lifetime, you have eaten 487 chicken necks, 169 beef rectums, and 247 miscellaneous ground-up eyeballs. You might want to consider cooking for yourself or adding some more vegetables to your diet, or at least stop ordering “scrapple” at your local Denny’s.
Today’s Birthday (March 2): Happy Birthday! Although you share the birthday of Dr. Seuss, your poem, “One Bitch, Two Bitch, Red Bitch, Dead Bitch” doesn’t quite bring the same joy to families around the world.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): You will never be sad and alone because losers tend to flock to you. I take that back. You’ll never be alone.
Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Don’t drink and park – accidents cause people.
Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.
Weekly HorrorScopes February 1 – February 7
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin
Aries (March 21-April 19). You might have just gotten paid, but don’t you dare head straight to the mall. If you can’t get someone to supervise your shopping and fashion choices, avoid spending this week. (Also, avoid sweatpants – they are not a fashion statement).
Taurus (April 20-May 20). If you think you smell the winds of change, it’s probably just the wind coming out of your partner’s backside.
Gemini (May 21-June 21). Attached Geminis: You will learn something new about your partners today: their birthday. Yeah, you missed it, so good luck with that. Single Geminis: You can feel good that they won’t be any trouble for you this week, but then again, nothing much will happen either since your life is typically mundane and uneventful.
Cancer (June 22-July 22). If you keep text messaging that much, your thumbs are going to break, develop gangrene, and fall off your body like shriveled little prunes. At least then you’ll save a couple bucks on your cell phone bill! You’ll probably have a hard time opening jars, though….
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). This weekend, you will have a hot three-way – you, a large pepperoni pizza, and TiVo. Sounds exciting, doesn’t it?
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). No more caffeine for you! You’re starting to look a little..twitchy.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Yes, those sunglasses DO make you look like a movie star. Elton John.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Sept. 21). Congrats on the raise! You just got bumped up into a new annoying tax bracket! Rather than giving all your money to Uncle Sam, perhaps you should make a donation to a worthy cause. Just let the Pagan Penguin know your bank account number and she’ll figure out something to do with it.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Try to widen your social circle this week. All your current friends are losers that just use you for free rides to the mall.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Writing reviews of movies, books, albums on your blogs might make you feel like an intelligent critic, but you’re really just a lazy ass that would rather criticize other people than do anything with your life. Before you criticize the mise-en-scene in the last episode of Ugly Betty, actually sit down, write a script, borrow your dad’s video camera, shoot the film using your sister as the lead role, edit it together, attempt to compose your own musical score by clanging the two pots you own together, and then see if your little piece of art compares with what you get to watch on the networks for free.
Today’s Birthday (February 1st): You and Boris Nikolayevich Yeltsin share birthdays! You also share your crazy dance skills:
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). When the moon is in the Seventh House and Jupiter aligns with Mars, then peace will guide the planets and love will steer the stars. This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius! The age of Aquarius! Aquariuuuuuuuuuus! Aquariuuuuuuuus! In addition, for some reason, you will have an annoying song stuck in your head all week.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). When someone announces that they just got engaged, it’s usually not appropriate to say, “My sincerest condolences,” even if they are making a huge, huge mistake. Likewise, when you hear about someone’s unfortunate passing, it’s not appropriate to ask, “Will there be an open bar after we stick ‘em in the ground?”
Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.
