Weekly HorrorScopes March 7 – 13
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin
Aries (March 21-April 19). Just when you think everything has already gone horribly wrong, you’ll find out the true meaning of “koro“.
Taurus (April 20-May 20). As the sign of the bull, we are aware that you don’t like change, but you should consider changing your lightbulbs once they burn out. your oil every 3,000 miles, and your underwear at least once a week.
Gemini (May 21-June 21). Your dentist secretly uses photos of your mouth as the “before” picture.
Cancer (June 22-July 22). If you want people to respect you, try wearing navy blue since studies show that people associate that color with power and leadership. You might also want to try to start wearing pants, yanno, in general.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). When you are in bed with your partner, they imagine Hayden Christensen instead of you.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Saying “Giggity, giggity, giggity” all the time won’t make you as cool as Quagmire – it’s just liable to get you punched in the face.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). No, the short guy at the coffee shop is a leprechaun – he suffers a rare bone disorder. Quit harassing him to find out where he hid his gold.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). An old flame will come back into your life and make you a bit uncomfortable. If lighting your farts in the 8th grade didn’t go so well, what makes you think today will be any different?
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Wow, you’re wearing a cute outfit today! It would look fantastic on a more attractive person.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19).You somehow manage to make the entire world around you burst with laughter. Unfortunately, they’re laughing AT you, not with you.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): In your lifetime, you have eaten 487 chicken necks, 169 beef rectums, and 247 miscellaneous ground-up eyeballs. You might want to consider cooking for yourself or adding some more vegetables to your diet, or at least stop ordering “scrapple” at your local Denny’s.
Today’s Birthday (March 2): Happy Birthday! Although you share the birthday of Dr. Seuss, your poem, “One Bitch, Two Bitch, Red Bitch, Dead Bitch” doesn’t quite bring the same joy to families around the world.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): You will never be sad and alone because losers tend to flock to you. I take that back. You’ll never be alone.
Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Don’t drink and park – accidents cause people.
Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.
Weekly HorrorScopes Dec 21 – Dec 27
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin
Aries (March 21-April 19). You might experience some holiday drama this year with some overzealous house guests. Make sure you keep around some non-alcoholic beer unless you want your best friend to end up sobbing on your new couch cushions.
Taurus (April 20-May 20). Wear the ugly knitted sweater, please. Do it for grandma…
Gemini (May 21-June 21). We know it’s customary to fall asleep after watching the claymation reindeer movies and the “Christmas Story” marathons while your spouse angrily stomps around the house. Perhaps it’s time to start a new family tradition before you are served a beautifully wrapped box of divorce papers. Oh, wait, there’s a “Trading Spaces” marathon coming up right after dinner! Well, you didn’t like your spouse anyway, right?
Cancer (June 22-July 22). Never combine mistletoe with too much eggnog. Less deadly mixtures have been made out of bleach and ammonia.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). So what if you’ve gained like 10, 15, or more likely, 20 pounds during this holiday season? You’ll lose it all when you get that debilitating tapeworm from your great-aunt’s cooking.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Let’s face it, you have a lousy memory. So before you decide to recycle that silver-plated gravy boat you got as a present a few years ago, try avoid giving it back to the person that purchased it for you.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Your patented “Sexy Holiday Outfit” will look even better if someone thinner and younger was wearing it instead of you.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You might be in the mood to “Deck the Halls” but must you deck the entire neighborhood with your 40-foot blow-up Santa, jolly blinking snowman that causes small Asian children seizures, reindeer with a missing leg, and combination nativity scene/singing Noah’s ark display? Your neighbor can’t sleep because of the glare radiating off your lawn.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). If you randomly hook up with some stranger at a holiday party, just be sure he’s not your cousin. You don’t want flipper-babies, do you?
Today’s birthday (Dec 21). You will still continue to hear the famous excuse, “Oh, today’s your birthday? Uhh…well, I got you a combined Christmas and Birthday gift. Yeah…you’ll have it in a few days.” So, Happy Gypped-Out-of-a-Gift Day.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, you will probably spend most of the holidays in a county jail. But lucky for you, your cellmate managed to smuggle in mistletoe.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Being nice around the holidays isn’t worth anything if you are a Grinch the rest of the year. Quit acting like such as ass every once in a while and maybe people will start inviting you to parties instead of sending you Christmas-themed snow globes from the dollar store.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). I seem to remember warning you about something in October and you just didn’t listen. If you enjoy your health, for the love of Luna and all that is holy, PUT THE COOKIE DOWN!
Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Santa is just a fake story people tell children in order to control their behavior. I am so sorry you had to find out this way. Maybe he would actually appear in read life if you splurged on some name-brand cookies instead of these Cookie-Chew-O things.
Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.
