Weekly HorrorScope December 14 – December 20
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin
Aries (March 21-April 19). Maybe you should ask for some new pants for the holidays? I don’t care what you think – the hole-in-the-crotch look was never really in style.
Taurus (April 20-May 20). You are a strong, hard worker with high standards and ethics. After all, most people just cruise through life just taking and screwing and partying and YouTube-ing and vomiting and screwing some more and drinking and eating and crapping and stealing and lying and backstabbing and vegetating and masturbating and cheating and burping and farting and TiVo-ing and NOT recycling at all..and you don’t do any of that stuff! Man…you are one boring person.
Gemini (May 21-June 21). A business associate might try to get a rise out of you, but you will be seen as the stronger person if you turn the other cheek (and later put laxatives in his coffee).
Cancer (June 22-July 22). You will be swept into a corrupt world of online-Scrabble, where the stakes are high and the triple-word scores are fastidiously scrutinize by gaggle of letter-hungry necrosyrtes monachus.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You could probably use a little more fiber in your diet.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). The stars have a little surprise in store for you in a just a few months – it’s a boy! Male Virgos need not worry – it’s not actually yours anyhow. Female Virgos – you have a lot of explaining to do, and remember, no one believes in that “Immaculate Conception” stuff anyhow. Oh, some people do? Well, that’s pretty weird…
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). OMG WTF, why are you still reading this? Get up! You are in danger! Get out get out, now! Run for your life! RUUUUUN! YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIIIIIIIIE! AHHHHH!!!!!
(Aw, did you actually get scared? Hee hee, Libras are so gullible.)
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You have a great attention to detail. Most people don’t shop around for the best deal while agonizing over what color and style of every object their purchase, and then sit up at night and wonder if they made the right decision – but you do! And of course, you are always willing to go through all the trash in your house to make sure that no one accidentally threw out a treasured token or piece of aluminum foil that could be reused. You are unique in your neurotic behavior, that’s for sure.
Today’s Birthday (Dec 14): You share the same birthday Michel de Nostredame, otherwise known as the late, great Nostradamus. That explains why you have felt the presence of your own psychic abilities throughout your entire life. But before you open your own fortune-telling business, you should probably know that no one cares what episode of the Simpsons they are going to broadcast next week or what song is going to come on the radio. Don’t quit yer day job.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). We might have a crystal ball, but your partner certainly does not! If you want something special for the holidays, speak now or forever hold your Limited-Edition Thomas Kincade Miniature Ceramic Village Gift Set (with the bonus light-up street lamps kit!)
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You will have a fulfilling life that is full of wonder and delight. Wait a minute…I think that’s Johnny Depp’s horoscope…I can’t quite see yours in the crystal ball through all the fire and brimstone. Hmm, wonder what that means….
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Pipe down – the neighbors are starting to complain about all of your late-night “noises,” if you know what I mean. Hey, where’d you get a goat at 3 am, anyhow?
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). You will probably be excited to talk to just about everyone you meet today. Too bad you don’t have anything interesting to say.
Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy relative wielding a lawsuit.
Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.
Weekly HorrorScope December 7 – December 13
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin
Aries (March 21-April 19). Sometimes, things are NOT better left unsaid. If you don’t tell your significant other about the broccoli in their teeth, they will find it later and blame you for all eternity.
Taurus (April 20-May 20). Buy an umbrella. There’s a shit-storm around the corner for you.
Gemini (May 21-June 21). You might feel a little bit uneasy about an upcoming review at work. No one is going to fire you for stealing Post-It Notes™, but they might object to the constant stream of profanity that leaves your mouth whenever you use the copy machine.
Cancer (June 22-July 22). The street you live on is going to be famous on TV! Too bad the news story will be entitled “Tragic Menorah Inferno Engulfs Neighborhood”.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). That bag of old crap you donated to Good Will contained toys full of lead paint. See, even things you do out of kindness end up causing destruction – I’m pretty sure you’re cursed.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Don’t let the winter blues get you down – go out and socialize before you start looking like one of those bug-eyed, nocturnal Aye-Ayes (look it up – it’s like looking in a mirror!)
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). If you don’t start paying your bills on time, the repo men come take your couch with your family still sitting on it*. (*Note: Repo men usually return repossessed family members, so don’t get too excited).
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Your partner/roommate will get freaked out when you talk in your sleep about the various heinous murders you have committed in the past. Don’t worry, I know you don’t remember committing any murders in “real life” (you were actually sleepwalking at the time.)
Today’s birthday (Dec 7): On this day, the day of your birth, Cicero died. No, he is not a rapper. ::Sigh:: I hope someone buys you a clue and wraps it in a plastic bag so you’ll suffocate trying to find it
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You really need to work on your “technique”. And I’m not talking about golf.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). In your past, you have pissed off an Earth sign and they’re still fuming. You might want to make amends before karma causes the bowels of the earth to swallow you, chew off your face, and spit you out somewhere off in the North Atlantic.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). If you keep leaving empty containers of food/liquid in the refrigerator, a Scorpio in your household might just murder you in your sleep.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). A close Sagittariusis very mad at you because you forgot their birthday. Save yourself a headache and use some kinda free online calendar thingie so people stop making voodoo dolls in your likeness.
Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day:Don’t have too many irons in the fire – it gets too many panties in a bunch. Learn how to relax.
Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.
Weekly HorrorScopes Nov 30th – December 6th
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin
Aries (March 21-April 19). You might want to consider some minor home renovations before you have actual house guests this holiday season. All your carpeting kinda smells like stale cigarettes and old people.
Taurus (April 20-May 20). Yes, it’s December, already! Maye you would have been more productive in November if you didn’t spend all your time catching up on episodes of “Ugly Betty” and watching your Lean Cuisine spin around in the microwave.
Gemini (May 21-June 21). You may find yourself questioning your sanity. The answer to that question is simple – just ask the little elf that lives in your sock drawer.
Cancer (June 22-July 22). Someone close to you is in need of support, and someone even closer is in need of a shower. Before you try to help anyone out, make sure you deal with your own hygiene issues.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Be careful of that sweet tooth of yours. Not only are you getting a spare tire, but all those hard candies are going to leave you needing a painful, expensive root canal. Did I mention that you have grown a tolerance to anesthesia? Man, that’s really gonna suck in a few months when you….well, you’ll find out about that soon enough.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Have you ever thought about electrolysis? Or at least…waxing?
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). This world is full of crazy maniacs, so make sure you always lock your doors and windows. At least with you safely locked inside, there would be one less crazy maniac on the street.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Don’t you realize that that porny-looking MySpace girl is just trying to phish your password? No one that good looking would ever actually send you a message. It’s not that you’re ugly, it’s just that that all the glitter graphics on your page make you look kinda fruity.
Today’s birthday (Nov 30): Did you know that you share the same birthday as Winston Churchill? Coincidentally, people have been spreading a nasty Internet rumor about him that he was born in the ladies’ room at a dance, and that’s actually where you were conceived (and those pictures are actually available on the Internet for the low-low price of $9.99 a month.)
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Any Mercury-Juno encounter reminds you to be extra sensitive and receptive to your significant other or close friends. I see three letters in your future, and they are P, M, and S. Be afraid.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Try to be realistic when planning for your future right now. You’re never really going to amount to anything, so it would be better off if you just realized it now rather than put all your energy into being “America’s Next Top Model”. It’s not fault that nature gave you an asymmetrical face!
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Find something useful to do with your time. You won’t exactly find the cure for cancer by combining all the little bottles of shampoo that you stole from motels into a larger bottle of shampoo.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Your mothering tendencies are getting to be a little annoying. You might call it “nurturing”, but that attempt to breast-feed a 17-year old was just plain inappropriate!
Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day:Respect yourself and others will respect you. Except when you wear that stupid shirt.
Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.
